Pray tell, dear blog followers. If you haven't seen John Carter, what would the above poster suggest to you?
It gave me the impression that I would be transported to a world where angry dinosaur-like creatures would threaten the life of a heroic caveman.
Ah well, the bizarre beasts do abound in John Carter but they are pretty much all domesticated and Carter is not a cave man.
Indeed, he is a 19th century American cavalry officer who is transported to Mars through a wormhole he finds in a cave while running away from Apaches.
You what, you what, you what?
Fear not, it becomes even crazier.
Carter's arrival on Mars coincides with a war going on between the people of two cities, one of which is supported by Gods. (Please park the idea that there is no life on Mars - our various probes must have missed it).
The people on the red planet have developed the most sophisticated airborne warships for their battle and yet seem so primitive in almost every other way.
For example, they dress in loin cloths and haven't seemed to have mastered the art of house building.
Oh, have I mentioned that there is also a species which looks a bit like Ja Ja Binks from Star Wars - some of which capture Carter when he first arrives...oh, and that he has an uncanny ability to jump hundreds of feet?
And that he falls in love with a busty maiden in said loin cloth.
The first problem with John Carter is that there is so much going on I was beyond caring.
One imagines that director Andrew Stanton's enormous budget was burning a hole in his pocket and he just felt he had to spend the money, no matter what.
He might be regretting that now because this is on its way to being one of Disney's biggest financial flops (I heard a report that it is set to lose $100 million).
But it is not just the convoluted plot and the avalanche of special effects that lead to its failure - the actors are so wooden I felt like giving them a coat of creosote.
Taylor Kitsch was a strange choice for the title role. It was a heck of a responsibility placed on inexperienced shoulders and I'm afraid he wasn't up to it. In fact, I sensed an attempt at mimicking Johnny Depp. If only, we had been blessed with the real thing.
Meanwhile, his love interest is played by the equally little known Lynn Collins, who again seemed out of her depth.
There are major stars in John Carter but Samantha Morton, Willem Defoe and Thomas Hayden Church are hidden behind the Ja Ja Binks-type creatures and so their talents are largely wasted.
Meanwhile, Dominic West is a terribly tepid baddie, Mark Strong goes through the motions as one of the gods and Ciaran Hinds just looks bemused as a beleaguered king.
I understand Edgar Rice Burroughs' Barsoom novels, from which John Carter is taken, are much loved.
I am sad to say the same will not be said of this film.
Laughs: none
Jumps: none
Vomit: none
Nudity: none
Overall rating: 3.5/10